A PSA about PPA

A public service announcement* for those who suffer from Public Performance Anxiety (PPA)

Have you ever been out in public and suddenly had the need to take care of business, only to have one look at your options and decide you have no other choice than to either "hold it" or go home to the privacy of your own accommodations?

That's right... I'm talking about using public restrooms.

Every day millions of people are making potentially unhealthy biological management decisions based solely on the fact that they are uncomfortable with the idea of pooping in public.

If you can answer yes to any of these questions, then you might suffer from Public Performance Anxiety as well:

If the place you're at does not have a "private" or "family" restroom do you simply choose not to go?

If there is someone else in the bathroom when you walk in do you turn around and leave?

If you're already in progress and someone else comes in the bathroom do you clamp it closed and sit silently until they leave?

If so, then you are not alone. A recent survey determined that 1 in 3 people will not poop in public. But that doesn't mean you have to simply give up and not put out. Here are three articles that will help you understand your fears, as well as give you answers as to how to flush them away for good.

(click buttons to read )

Why it's embarrassing to poop in public

What to do when being falsely accused of polluting public airspace

How to poop in public

So if you suffer from Public Performance Anxiety don't be embarrassed - you are not a freak. Millions of other people right now are struggling with the same thing. But the good news is, there is a new product on the market designed specifically for you:

For when you're too tense to toot

*Brought to you by People Overcoming Obstacles

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...also make sure you have some Beano

I know Teri isn't a big fan of my poop posts, but sometimes you just can't "pass" on material when it comes to you.

For example, the other day I ate an entire can of lentil bean soup for lunch. Big mistake. Big gassy mistake. It's like eating a can of methane.

As early as 3 p.m. I started noticing an uncomfortable pressure in my lower abdomen. By 4:00 I had to start crop dusting just so I wouldn't create a toxic cloud around my desk.

By the time I got home I was quacking like a duck with every step.

And before I turned in for the night, I had visited the gas station 3 times! Yikes-o-rama!

I guess I shouldn't be surprised, the can states right on the label that it's an "excellent source of fiber!" Ya... no kidding.

Yes, I know this is way TMI, but I'm treating this as a public service announcement... for your sake. If you're having a hankering for a delicous can of lentil bean soup for lunch, just make sure you don't have any plans for the evening...

... other than reading lots of magazines in the bathroom that is.

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The Poop Parade

I'm not one to forward or regurgitate email spam, but when one hits my in box that is so "me" that it makes me jealous I didn't write it myself, I feel like I have no choice but to share it with you.

You see, I'm a HUGE fan of poop humor. So much so that some of my very best posts over the last 3 years have been poop-tastic. In fact, before you read the rest of this one below, you might want to check out these quick stories which so clearly illustrate my passion for the poop - and why I find this spamage so far up my... alley?

Is that the only thing he ever writes about?

No really, it wasn't me

The Price of Fame

Poop - with class

PiP Squeak

Anyway, here's the email that made me chuckle. I have no idea who wrote this or when it first came out. But if you're the author, I tip my hat to you. You and I are definitely two pees in a pot.

How to Poop at Work We've all been there but don't like to admit it. We've all kicked back in our cubicles and suddenly felt something brewing down below. As much as we try to convince ourselves otherwise, the WORK POOP is inevitable. For those who hate pooping at work, following is the Survival Guide for taking a dump at work. *CROP DUSTING* When farting, you walk really fast around the office so the smell is not in your area and everyone else gets a whiff, but doesn't know where it came from. Be careful when you do this. Do not stop until the full fart has been expelled. Walk an extra 30 feet to make sure the smell has left your pants. *FLY BY* The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walk in and check for other poopers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and come back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom. *ESCAPEE* A fart that slips out while taking a pee or forcing a poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of embarrassment. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If you are a man and are standing next to the farter in the urinal, pretend you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee. It is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy. *JAILBREAK* When forcing a poop, several farts slip out at a machine gun pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this should happen, do not panic. Remain in the stall until everyone has left the bathroom to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred. *COURTESY FLUSH* The act of flushing the toilet the instant the poop hits the water. This reduces t he amount of air tim e the poop has to stink up the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME. *WALK OF SHAME* Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have just stunk up the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in and busts you. As with farts, it is best to pretend that the smell does not exist. Can be avoided with the use of the COURTESY FLUSH. *OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER* A colleague who poops at work and is Doggone proud of it. You will often see an Out Of The Closet Pooper enter the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under their arm. Always look around the office for the Out Of The Closet Pooper before entering the bathroom. *THE POOPING FRIENDS NETWORK (P.F.N)* A group of co-workers who band together to ensure emergency pooping goes off without incident. This group can help you to monitor the whereabouts of Out Of The Closet Poopers, and identify SAFE HAVENS. *SAFE HAVENS* A seldom used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooper of your sex entering the bathroom. *TURD BURGLAR* Someone who does not realize that you are in the stall and tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that can occur when taking a poop at work. If this occurs, remain in the stall until the Turd Burglar leaves. This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact. *CAMO-COUGH* A phony cough that alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you are in a stall. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON, or to alert potential Turd Burglars. Very effective when used in conjunction with a SHIRLEY TEMPLE. *SHIRLEY TEMPLE* A subtle toe-tapping that is used to alert potential Turd Burglars that you are occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt that the stall is occupied. If you hear a SHIRLEY TEMPLE, leave the bathroom immediately so the pooper can poop in peace. *WATERMELON* A poop that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a Watermelon coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH. *HAVANA-OMELET* A case of diarrhea that creates a series of loud splashes in the toilet water. Often accompanied by an Escapee. Try using a CAMO-COUGH with a SHIRLEY TEMPLE. *AUNT BETTY* A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever...Could spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot. An AUNT BETTY makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you should always wait to poop when the bathroom is empty. This benefits you as well as the other bathroom attendees!

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Is that the only thing he ever writes about?

One word of advice:

When you're done doing your business in the bathroom and it's time to pull your pants up...

...step away from the toilet first so your cell phone doesn't come loose from your cheap belt clip and tumble into the "dirty" toilet water.

And you thought you got crappy cell phone service.

* * *

Call Humor-Blogs.com for really contaminated humor.

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No, really... it wasn't me!

So this morning I walk into the mens' room in our office building and BAM! - I hit a wall that stopped me dead in my tracks.

Not a physical wall of course, but an olfactory wall that said, "Whoa... the guy before you must have had some bad chili last night!"

I'm not kidding, it was horrendous - or as my dad is fond of saying, "...enough to gag a maggot!" But I really had to pee so I had no other choice than to hold my breath, do my business and get the hell out of there as fast as I could.

Except that while I was washing my hands another guy comes into the bathroom, stops dead in his tracks and looks right at me as if to say, "Dude. I mean come on. Seriously."

So here's the deal... what exactly are you supposed to do in this situation?

The way I see it is you have 3 options here:
1. Act like there's nothing wrong and go with the generic, "Hey, how's it going?" greeting.
2. Engage in a pathetic attempt to explain that it wasn't you.
3. Pull out your ballpoint pen and stab him in the heart until he's dead.

I don't know of any other options at this point, but I'd sure like to hear some -

because I'd hate to waste a perfectly good pen.

Something smells funny at Humor-Blogs.com

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The Price of Fame

I've mentioned this before, but I have a very serious hangup about going to the bathroom in a public restroom. Specifically to... well, you can read about it here. But sometimes you simply don't have a choice, and you have to answer nature's call.

So yesterday this guy in our office building follows me into the bathroom. Most of the time if something like this happens when I'm on a "serious mission", I simply walk over to the sink and act like I just came in to wash my hands. Other times, if the guy is headed toward the urinal - I'll go in the stall, sit down, and wait him out. But yesterday... well let's just say I really had to go and it didn't matter why he was coming in. This time I had no choice.

So - imagine my horror when I sit down to do my business and all of I sudden I hear this...

"Hey! I saw you in the paper yesterday - on the FRONT PAGE! Good job!"

Me: (~uhnnn~) Um, yeah thanks.

Him: Yeah, it was weird. I saw your picture at breakfast yesterday and was like "Hey honey, lookit here. This guy works in the office downstairs in our building!"

Me: (~grunt~) Uh huh.

Him: So, what is it that you do again? You write a newspaper column or something?

Me: Uh, yeah. (~toot~) Something like that.

Him: Wow, that's cool. Well good luck with that. See ya later!

Me: Yeah, thanks.

Me:

Me:

Me:

Me: Good grief.

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Poop - with class

Sometimes I want to write about poop.

Sometimes I wish I could describe when I was a toddler and I used to make my mom come in and look at it before I could flush it. Or when I was in grade school and used to sit on the toilet talking to my friend for like a half hour while I did my business. Or when I was a teenager and... uh, nevermind - I'm about to say too much.

So anyway, sometimes I wish I could write about these things.

But writing about poop would come off as unsophisticated and sophomoric, and most likely gross and disgusting. And would most certainly destroy my credibility as a serious blogger.

But wait! Suppose the single classiest person on the planet was to write about poop. And in great detail. Then, wouldn't that make it ok for the rest of us to write about it?

Well, guess what? Whilst following one of my Google searches about "poop" back to see what that particular person was really trying to find, I stumbled on a related story by none other than the Queen of Class herself...

Oprah!

Hallelujah - my door has been opened!!!

This is indeed good news for me. I am now free to pump out poop posts to my heart's delight!

But sometimes if you're lucky, you don't have to actually write a blog post at all. Sometimes, somebody else does it for you. Then, all you have to do is go get it and bring it back like a gift for your friends to unwrap and enjoy.

This my friends is one of those times!

(From Oprah.com)

Enjoy.

Everybody Poops When it comes to figuring out if you're digesting things properly and eating healthy, Dr. Mehmet Oz says that you should rely on your senses in the bathroom. For starters, have you ever thought about the importance of what your bowel movement sounds like when it hits the water? Listen up! "You want to hear what the stool, the poop, sounds like when it hits the water. If it sounds like a bombardier, you know, 'plop, plop, plop,' that's not right because it means you're constipated. It means the food is too hard by the time it comes out. It should hit the water like a diver from Acapulco hits the water [swoosh]." The next thing Dr. Oz recommends is looking at your stool—c'mon, you've done it before! You should look twice—look at the shape and then, the color. "It should be an S shape and you want to make sure the color's normal because the color of the poop tells you a lot about how you made it," Dr. Oz says. "You don't want [pieces]. Food is a medicine for you. It helps you. [If the stool is in pieces] by the time you finished digesting your food, you don't have enough of it left to poop out in the right way and probably it's hurt the colon that has to process it. At the end of the day you can analyze your body really effectively by looking at what comes out of your body."

WTF?!!!

"If it sounds like a bombardier, you know, 'plop, plop, plop,'..."

Seriously???

"It should be an S shape..."

You know, try as I might, I can't seem to make mine do that. I did squeeze out a nice "C" the other day though - does that count? Maybe if I strapped a Play-doh Fun Factory to my butt.

But hold on... there's more!

Let's see what a few of her friends have to say about their fecal experiences.

Everybody Poops Susan (left), a busy, working mother of three children, says that she struggles with constipation—sometimes only going to the bathroom once every five days. She admits to not getting enough water, instead opting for eight cans of diet soda a day. She also says she likes to eat a lot of cookies and chips, but doesn't get enough fruits and vegetables. Maureen (right), a mother of four children, says that her health is the last thing on her mind. She suffers from diarrhea, hemorrhoids and constipation. "My hemorrhoids feel so bad that it's like grapes hanging out of my rear," she says. "Sometimes they hurt so bad, I can't get out of bed for two days." Maureen admits to eating too much fast food, and not getting enough fiber and water in her diet. On top of suggesting to Susan and Maureen to change their diets, Dr. Oz says that Susan and Maureen need to pass gas more often and not be ashamed—we all need to! Dr. Oz says that the average person passes gas 14 times a day—and less than one percent of it actually smells. He says it's so important that we start creating a "no embarrassment zone"—we need to pass this much gas!

Let's see... Susan admits to not getting enough fruit in her diet, and Maureen has grapes hanging out of her ass. I see a win-win situation here!

Oh, and let's all thank Dr. Oz for suggesting that we should all pass gas more often - WITHOUT SHAME! I couldn't agree more. In fact I've got my "no embarrassment zone" all around me at this very moment.

Ahh - I must say, this certainly has been fun. And no, I didn't make this up.

Some things you just can't make up.

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PiP Squeak

I watched my first episode of Fox's 24 last night. Way cool show, although it probably would have been a much better experience for me if I hadn't waited until the 15th episode to see it for the first time.

I understand it's been a very exciting season so far, but I heard that next week it's going to experience one small glitch. Apparently they're going to spend about 1/4 of the show with the camera trained on a bathroom stall door while Jack takes a dump. I guess it was bound to happen sooner or later.

Hmmm, taking a dump. Uh oh. I have a feeling this post is going to take a quick turn for the worse.

But there's so much to be said about it. For instance, take public bathrooms. I know for a fact that given a choice, most people would rather "hold it" than poop in public (or PiP as I shall refer to it from this point on, so I don't have to keep saying poop). In fact, at times when I'm going to be away from home for the entire day, I'll go so far as to strategically plan my day in advance so I don't get stuck in a situation where I'll have to PiP.

No, I'm not some kind of nut job and I know I'm not alone on this one. Let's face it, there are many reasons why people don't like to PiP. Here's a few:

Bathroom hygiene - especially in men's stalls. For whatever reason men not only don't pick up the seat when they wiz, they frequently "wash" it while they're at it. That pretty much puts it out of commission for me right there.


However, that's not the worst thing you'll find in the men's toilet. I can't tell you how many times I've walked into the can at a bar and opened the stall door only to see the ol' American Standard "fully loaded" if you know what I mean. And as a bonus for the janitor, there's usually a roll of toilet paper and two beer bottles crammed in there as well. Nice.

Embarrassment - I don't know about you, but I've never heard anyone PiP without first announcing their effort with a ceremonial tooting of the horn. I personally don't like to toot my own horn. I'm a bit humble that way.

Along with the audio shame you also have to worry about the aromatic humiliation. And usually by the time a courtesy flush is needed, it's too late anyway. Nuff said on that one.

Performance Pressure - If there's one thing I'm not good at, it's the ability to perform under pressure. I can't recall answers during trivia challenges, and I can't PuP when I PiP. All it takes is one guy tapping his foot outside the stall and I it's over for me. Being in there is stressful enough in the first place. I don't need to be on a timer as well!

Ok, now that I've shattered the "too much information" record, I think it's time to wrap this one up. And on that note, I'll leave you with an old joke - just in case you've been trapped in a stall somewhere your whole life and haven't heard it before.

What do you call a constipated German? You guessed it - Farfrompoopin!

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