Kick off your boots and stay awhile

I think my blog is attracting aliens.

No, I'm not talking about Mexican migrant workers, although I'm quite sure they would find this site entertaining - if they had computers. I'm talking about the thousands of visitors who have been finding my blog over the last year in an attempt to discover the secrets of those mysterious motorcycle hand waving gestures that bikers flash each other on the road.

Ever since I wrote this tongue-in-cheek story on that topic last August, my entire 100-slot site tracker thingy has been overflowing on a daily basis with visitors who have either come from other sites that have linked to this post (dozens of motorcycle web sites and forums), or are searching for the answers to those secret signals on Google.

Honestly, I didn't realize there was such an interest out there in why bikers are waving to each other.

Unless... unless these bikers are not people at all - but aliens like I suggested, who are living among us (ala MIB) and are communicating with each other via these secret signals. Thus explaining why they are so interested in this story.

And if you think I'm making this up, check out this snapshot of the last 20 Google searches to my blog. I captured this on Wednesday afternoon.






















As you can see, I've marked all the motorcycle-related searches that have led people to this blog and to that story. This is what my search results have looked like EVERY day for about the last 6 months.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not complaining by any means. I just find it fascinating that SO many people out there are desperately searching for this information.

Unless, of course, my theory about alien bikers is correct...

...which might explain why they're stealing our luggage.

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"Put up your arms and all your flippers." - Agent K (Men In Black)

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Secret Motorcycle Hand Greetings: Revealed!

Those of you who ride motorcycles will know exactly what I'm talking about here. Those of you who don't - will hopefully learn something.

I'm referring to that secret "wave" that oncoming bikers may or may not flash each other as they pass on the highway. Oh sure, it seems customary enough - two fellow riders politely saying "hi" to each other as they approach... but is it? Is it really that simple? Actually it's not.

I've been riding a motorcycle my entire adult life and I've been paying attention. And if you think you're going to get a salutation from just any biker coming your way, then you're wrong. Believe it or not, there are some very subliminal and undocumented rules regarding this situation - and I'm going to share them with you now.

Here's how it works:

First of all, we'll need to establish some terminology to make this tutorial easier to follow.

The person initiating the wave will herefor be referred to as the "initiator". The other person will then automatically be known as the "receiver," and if he responds to the wave, will also be known as the "replier." Note that any reference to said replier assumes he is also the receiver and therefore will not also be referred to as the receiver because otherwise he would have to be known as the receiver and the replier - which just doesn't make any sense.

Next, to avoid any unnecessary political or grammar faux pas, all motorcyclists from this point on will be referred to as "riders" and all persons shall be referred to in the male context, just to make it easier.

Ok, now on to the tutorial...

Equity and the Odds of Engagement
The odds of receiving a wave from an oncoming biker are first and foremost governed by the "laws of equity." This means that the more things you have in common with him the better chance he will engage as either the initiator or the replier.

There are basically three categories in the laws of equity:

1. Brand equity. This means that if you both are riding the same brand of bike, the odds of a wave transaction are increased.
2. Style equity. If you both are riding the same "type" of bike, such as chopper, rocket or touring motorcycle, then your odds are increased as well.
3. Helmet equity. If you both are either wearing or not wearing helmets - odds increased again.

To further illustrate this concept:
IF you both are riding hardtail Harleys and not wearing helmets, the odds of a hand gesture between the two of you are VERY high. Conversely, the odds of a nonhelmeted hardtail rider waving to a helmeted Suzuki rocket rider are almost next to none.

The Big Five
When a fellow biker is approaching, his left arm and hand will tell the story. Whether he is the initiator or the replier, the signals are the same. Following are the five main hand gestures you may encounter:

1. The Nothing - This is the "default" hand position of most cross-encounters. Simply leaving his left hand on the handle bar can mean anything from "not paying attention to the fact you're approaching" to "I see you but I'm not interested in exchanging a greeting" - to the harsher, "I see you but since we don't enjoy any 'equity,' I'm not going to acknowledge your existence." Of course since no words are ever exchanged to clarify, all the rider can do is simply speculate.

2. The Two-finger Flip - The most casual AND most common acknowledgement. Left hand still on the handgrip, but the index and middle fingers raised briefly. This one simply says "dude, how's it going?" Most of the time the receiver will respond just out of courtesy. Of course the whole issue of who goes first really boils down to nothing more than a game of greeting chicken - or whoever's in the better mood at time.

3. The Big One - This is the granddaddy of all greetings. Left hand down off of the handlebar and out to the side. Fingers may either show a "peace" sign or be spread open palm side out. Here, the initiator is sending a clear signal that he acknowledges you. Not replying to this blatant plea for hospitality may be considered rude - and could possibly be interpreted as a strong message of inequity.

4. The Dis - Left hand down and resting on the thigh. This could be viewed as a request to treat the opposing party as a hostile witness - ESPECIALLY if it is moved there while you are approaching. Dating back to the days when rival motorcycle gangs roamed the streets, this signal indicated disrespect to the other rider(s) and was clearly meant as negative and often times led to confrontation. Today, however, the old cultural significance has been lost, and could simply just mean your arm is tired and resting on your leg.

5. The Geek - Left hand raised high in the air as if to say, "Hi mom!" This one is specifically reserved for the new rider, who is "SO excited to be one of the gang!" Also may be seen being used by Moped or scooter riders. Recommendation: Just don't.



So there they are. All the secrets behind those mysterious motorcycle hand greetings revealed (not to be confused with the standard hand "turn" signals). So the next time you approach an oncoming rider, take note. He could be sending you a very intentional message!

Or not.

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Angels at the Campground

With the 2006 Sturgis Motorcycle Rally fast approaching, I thought I'd share a little "incident" that I had the fortune to witness in 1999, when I rode there with my brother and a couple of friends.

The following is actual dialog - as legend tells it:

"What are you, dumb and dumber?"

My friend Neil turned to see a short little biker dude glaring at him on his right. He looked like Joe Pesci in chaps.

"Huh?" Neil asked. He was standing alone in the midst of about 10,000 other bikers watching a Def Leppard concert at Buffalo Chip Campground, and it was nearly impossible for him to hear.

"I SAID... WHAT. ARE. YOU. DUMB AND DUMBER?"

"I'm sorry man, I don't know what the hell you're talking about," Neil replied.

Suddenly 3 larger, much more menacing bikers saddled up alongside Mini-menace. That's when he noticed the signature logo on the leather vest of one of the uglier ones. Neil screamed a silent scream.

Holy crap - Hell's Angels! And for some reason they're pissed at ME!

Neil: "Uh, look. I'm just trying to watch the concert here. I don't have a clue what you're talking about."

Mini-menace: "One last time... who the hell do you think you are - dumb and dumber?!?"

Neil: "Look, I don't know any other way to say this. I don't know what you're talking about!"

Mini-menace: "I'm talking about kickin your ass and makin you wish you'd never stepped foot in this campground."

Neil: "Uhh - ok."

Mini-menace (elbowing the other goons): "Hey look, dumb and dumber here wants to get his ass kicked! Ha ha hahahahaha!"

And then as quickly as they appeared, the four of them turned and left, leaving Neil standing there completely shook up, and more than a little confused.

Up next: The rest of the story...

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Ride Like the Wind

There's nothing quite like a motorcycle ride on a nice summer day.

This weekend I went up to Duluth to take my mom out on a date for her birthday (May 29) and Mother's Day. I figured since I was going alone I'd save some gas money and ride my bike. I don't know if it was because it was my first significant ride of the year (150 miles one way) or if I had just forgotten how much I love riding, but it was SWEET!

When I left St. Cloud, the weather was perfect and 85 degrees. As I rolled down the rural county highways I was reminded of what it is that is so great about a motorcycle ride.

The sun and the wind. For the same reason people drive convertibles, there's nothing like feeling the sun on your body and the warm summer wind in your face.

The smells. Only in the open air will you experience the rich smell of fresh cut grass, the unmistakable aromas of Lilac and Goldenrod, the earthy waft of freshly fertilized farms or the pungent odor of road kill skunk in all its glory.

Time to think. Perhaps it's the fact that you have no one to talk to, but a weekend ride always provides quiet time for me to simply reflect on the beautiful scenery and forget about the hectic pace of my regular work week.

The beautiful scenery. Because I don't like being mowed down by semi trucks and tailgating tourists, I always choose a rural highway over the interstate to get where I need to go. Part of my whole philosophy of a bike ride is to take my time and relax, so roads such as these are common fare.


So yeah, it was a nice ride and a great visit with the family. Dinner with mom, time with my brother and an somewhat uncomfortable night watching Wedding Crashers with my parents on DVD. Umm, let's face it - some movies are just not meant to be shared with your folks.

Here's a picture of the three of us before I headed back home. Notice at the beginning I said the temperature in St. Cloud was 85 degrees. Here it was 62, hence the sweatshirts and jackets. It's a Duluth thing. Fortunately it warms right back up about 30 miles out of town.

Oh, and in case you were wondering - my mom and I had a fantastic time on our dinner date!

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Signs of Spring

When you live in Minnesota, a hot day in April is like winning the weather lottery. Normally it's crappy, cold and wet this time of year so when it was 75 and sunny yesterday, I just had to be outside doing the "spring thing."


Apparently the ducks were happy to find some water they could hang out in, even if it was only the tiny pond my wife was setting up alongside our deck.I, on the other hand, spent most of the day reorganizing my garage for the upcoming summer season. This meant putting away all the winter stuff such as my snowblower and the kids' snowboards and sleds - and swapping them out for the summer stuff such as the lawnmower, the gas grill and (my favorite thing) MY MOTORCYCLE!

For several years now I've been restoring and driving a '74 Suzuki GT750. This is a classic bike in that it is a 3 cylinder, 2-stroke, water cooled beast - fully adorned in all chrome bling. In its day it was the fastest production motorcycle on the market and was, in fact, even outlawed in some states because it was too dangerous for the street. Hmmm, kind of reminds me of the packs of college kids I see terrorizing the suburbs on their crotch-rockets today - but that's a different rant for a different day.

Here's a picture of my daughter and me posing on the ol' Water Buffalo just before I headed out to Sturgis in '99.With the gas prices pushing $3.00/gal I'll be riding this bike a lot more this summer. I was going to take it to work today but alas, it was only 35 degrees and drizzling this morning as well. But I don't feel too bad - normally I don't even fire it up until May.

By the way, here's a little peek at how you need to look if you're going to make the pilgrimage to Sturgis. Believe it or not, even though I look like a bad-ass (and don't think I couldn't kick yours) I'm really just a computer-programming, harmonica-playing father-of-three. No really.

I know it's hard to believe, but the Hell's Angels have not requested my membership.

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