Central Minnesota Crime Logs - September 09

I love reading these crime logs from our local newspaper. It's almost as if someone on staff words them specifically in the hopes that I'll find them and mock them - which of course I do in the bold print that follows each one.

So thank you St. Cloud Times for allowing us to laugh at your expense. Now, let's see what our fine public servants have had to deal with over the last few weeks.

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A theft was reported Sept. 3 on Ninth Street West in Zimmerman. Someone stole beer from a garage. The loss is worth $15.
... Police have since released the following transcripts: Help! My wife has been kidnapped at gunpoint, my car was stolen and they took my beer. You have to do something immediately. It was my last 12 pack!

A theft was reported Aug. 24 on 170th Street in Big Lake Township. A caller reported that fishing gear was stolen from his boat when it was parked in his driveway.
...The owner was then reminded that he had LEFT FISHING GEAR IN HIS UNLOCKED BOAT IN HIS DRIVEWAY!

A girl reported that she was walking her dogs down the street when one of them started barking at a man. The man said if she didn’t make the dog stop, he was going to kick it. The man went to kick the dog and the girl punched him in the face. She then ran home. Police could not locate the man.
... However, the newly empowered girl has since formed a local branch of Guardian Angels and was recently seen patrolling St. Cloud's rougher neighborhoods along with her "posse" - The K-9 Killers.

A suspicious person was reported at 3:04 p.m. Wednesday at St. Germain Street and Seventh Avenue South. A caller said a man was walking down the street with two socks filled with rocks. The man was swinging the socks around. Police spoke to the man who said the socks had tennis balls in them. He was using them to practice using fire batons. Police determined that the socks weren’t dangerous...
... and asked the man to kindly keep his balls tucked away where they belong.

A suspicious person was reported at 10:46 p.m. Tuesday at Burger King, 3310 Division St. An employee called police after a man tried to get into the building and was acting strangely. Officers spoke to the man who said he was hungry. An officer bought him a burger and coffee and the man left.
(Hold on... this is a nice story. Nothing to add here)

And, from the "Really, you called 911 about THAT?!" files:

A caller reported that two men were on the roof of a building. Police spoke to the men, who were workers and supposed to be there.
...The woman called the police again later when she saw a man dressed in a blue uniform putting letters in her mailbox.

A caller said someone was knocking on her door. Police did not find anyone in the area.
...The woman called the police again later when someone tried calling her on the phone.

A caller received a letter that asked her to send a check for $19 in order to receive $1.4 million. Police determined the letter was a scam.
...The woman called the police again later when she received spam in an email.

A caller said a vehicle was driving in the parking lot and left the area. Police stopped the vehicle and spoke to the driver, who said he was checking whether a nearby business was open.
...The person called the police again later when he noticed a car stopping at stop signs and then continuing to drive forward.

A caller reported hearing people talking and yelling. The caller said it sounded like someone was playing in the fountains. Police could not locate anyone and didn’t see any wet footprints by the fountains.
...The person called the police again later after hearing birds chirping and frolicking in the trees.

COME ON PEOPLE... OUR POLICE HAVE BETTER THINGS TO DO! Like investigating REAL crimes and protecting the public? Seriously.

And finally, my favorite way to end these crime log posts...

You provide the punchline! Ready?

A caller reported seeing a woman outside hugging and kissing a telephone pole. The woman then fell down into some bushes. Police found the woman passed out in the bushes. They took her to St. Cloud Hospital.

Be nice now and remember... this IS a family show. ;-)

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Central Minnesota Crime Logs

Holy cow... it's been over 2 years since I've written one of these! This is truly a crime.

St. Cloud is not an innocent town by any means, but if you were to rate it by our newspaper crime logs, you'd think we lived in Mayberry. These are actual crime logs taken verbatim from our local newspaper, the St. Cloud Times. The only things made up are my extended comments in bold.

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Suspicious activity was reported at 3:54 p.m. Saturday in the 1500 block of Seventh
Avenue South. A caller said she found two large steak knives stuck in her lawn. She
looked back an hour later and they were gone...
...that's when she found a t-bone-shaped hole in her grass and an empty bottle of A-1.

A suspicious vehicle was reported at 7:50 a.m. Monday in the 1800 block of Whitney Park Drive. A caller said a recreational vehicle was parked in the area and it appeared someone was living inside of it. The vehicle was gone when police arrived...
...most likely because someone was not dead inside of it.

A noise complaint was reported at 12:31 a.m. Saturday in the 700 block of First Avenue North. Officers checked the area and saw a street sweeper leaving the area. No other noises were observed...
...even though they used their special noise-viewing goggles.

A threat was reported at 7:51 p.m. Saturday. A couple was putting up a privacy fence in their yard and a neighbor became angry and began yelling loudly. Officers met with the neighbor to explain to him that if he had a problem, he needed to contact the city before the permit was issued. He was told not to harass the couple anymore...
...and for the sake of human dignity, to let the poor couple finish their fence.

A juvenile problem was reported at 9:55 p.m. Sunday in the 400 block of 2½ Street North. A group of boys were out ringing doorbells. Police checked the area but were unable to find anyone...
...most likely because the game is called ring and run.

A barking dog was reported at 4:50 a.m. Sunday in the 200 block of High Drive. Officers found a dog in the front yard barking and the next day spoke with the owner. She was given a verbal warning...
... and a slap on the nose with a newspaper.

A suspicious person was reported at 1:42 p.m. Monday on Pinecone Road. A caller said a man was laying on the grass by the road. Officers spoke to the man who said he was a salesman and was just taking a nap...
...which surprised the officers since he was selling 5-hour Energy Drink.

A suspicious vehicle was reported at 4:08 a.m. Friday at Riverside Park, 1725 Kilian
Blvd. The vehicle was parked in the park after hours. Officers found a man and woman in the vehicle and "prevented some lewd public activity," according to police reports...
...but not before the man asked if he could have "just a few more seconds."

Suspicious activity was reported at 5:25 p.m. Friday in the 1200 block of 11th Street
Southeast. A caller said she was worried that someone was watching her home and that
there were a lot of people around. Officers increased patrol in the area...
...and also recommended she increase her dosage.

A burglary was reported Friday on 127th Street in Livonia Township. A caller said someone entered his locked garage and took items from it. The items were then placed at the end of his driveway...
...mice are suspected.

AND FINALLY... this last one was just so odd that I hated to waste it on one of my dumb punchlines, so I thought I'd give you a chance to finish it. Please - help me out here.

A complaint was reported at 1:22 a.m. Tuesday on First Street Northeast. A caller said juveniles were putting Saran wrap across the road. Officers talked to them and they apologized for the behavior and went home...

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Central Minnesota Crime Logs - June Edition

These actual crime logs from our paper always seem to give me a chuckle.

The only thing dumber than the fact that people would actually call the police over things like these, are the conclusions to these calls.

Of course, these logs would not be complete without my added smart-assed comments in bold.

Suspicious activity was reported at 9:52 p.m. Sunday in the 1200 block of 10th Avenue North. A caller said kids were ringing her doorbell and then running away. Police could not find any kids in the neighborhood...
... but thanked the caller for being vigilant in her effort to help rid the city of dangerous doorbell ringers - and for helping to make sure no tax dollars are left unused.

A suspicious person was reported at 11:20 p.m. Monday in the 900 block of Third Avenue North. A resident said a man in his 20s with a blue backpack was walking along the road. Every time a vehicle passed, the man would hide. Police could not locate him...
...umm, because he was REALLY GOOD!

A suspicious person was reported at 7:11 p.m. Wednesday in the 1700 block of 14th Street South. A resident reported that a young woman had been walking around the area for more than an hour. She was wearing ripped clothing and appeared to be lost. Police spoke to the woman who said she lived in the area and was out for a walk. The ripped clothing was the young woman's preferred style, the officer noted.
Police then left to respond to a call for two teenagers accused of having uncombed hair.

A resident reported suspicious activity at 8:59 p.m. April 14 at Municipal Park. The resident said there was a vehicle with a man and four women in it. The resident said the man whistled at the women and told them to take their clothes off for alcohol. An officer spoke to the individuals who denied that that had happened.
They said what really happened was that the man told them to take their clothes off for Al Cohall, who happened to be a college art student looking for nude models.

Police received an animal complaint at 5:15 a.m. Saturday at Holiday Station, 1715 Second Ave. N. A caller said a 30- to 35-pound beaver was in the parking lot. Animal Control was unable to remove the beaver. An officer was busy on a call and couldn't get to the scene until 7 a.m. The beaver was gone...
... as were the Animal Control officers. A full-scale alert has since been issued for a man-eating beaver. (Note: This is the second incident of beavers gone wild in St. Cloud in the last 30 days.)

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Central Minnesota Crime Logs

These are actual recent reports taken verbatim from our local newspaper, the St. Cloud Times. The only things made up are my comments in bold.

And you thought only Metropolis had super heroes

Police received a report of a man on a bicycle while wearing a mask and looking odd at 7:35 a.m. April 17 in the 1000 block of Second Street North. Another officer knew the man and said he likes to ride around on his bike wearing camouflage clothes and a mask. The officers could not find the man. Most likely because his camouflage was really good.

Two men dressed as Superman and Spider-Man were acting aggressively toward a motorcyclist, a caller reported to police Wednesday. Police were called at 5:57 p.m. Wednesday to Dairy Queen at 2424 Division St. Police watched the two men for a bit and then told them to stay out of trouble. The men agreed. The Dairy Queen citizens were safe from motorcycle villains once again. (Note: This may seem odd to those of you who don't live in St. Cloud, but this is actually a common occurrence in this town.)

More like funny "haha"

A young man was found strapped to a light pole yelling for help at 9 p.m. Friday at 13th Street and Ninth Avenue North. Police found five young men in the area who said it was a joke. When asked what the "joke" was, one of the men said, "What do you call a guy with 2 arms and 2 legs strapped to a light pole?.... SCREWED!" Police admitted to not getting the punchline.

That Mary Jane is nothing but trouble!

A suspicious person was reported at 10:51 p.m. Friday in the 10 block of Rivercrest Drive. A caller said a man was sitting in a vehicle and trying to sell marijuana. Police spoke to the man who was sitting in the vehicle smoking a cigarette. The man admitted to smoking marijuana in the past but was not trying to sell it and did not have any on him. When asked how long ago in the past the man replied, "Uh, like maybe 10 minutes ago?"

Police saw two suspicious vehicles at 12:03 a.m. Saturday in the 900 block of Fourth Street South. The vehicles were leaving Benton County Cemetery. Police spoke to the drivers, who were lost and looking for a friend's house. One driver commented that the last time he remembered, his friend's house was just over the hill next to old man Johnson's tombstone. He then started laughing uncontrollably and asked if the officer had any Doritos.

Urine big trouble young man!

An officer saw a man urinating at 2:40 a.m. April 14 in the parking lot of Benton Station, 305 North Benton Drive. The man was uncooperative with the officer and threatened to fight him. The officer declined to "fight" the man - and asked him to quit peeing on his shoe.

A naked man was reported at 8:12 p.m. Monday in a wooded area in the 3800 block of Roosevelt Road. The man was waving to vehicles as they passed him. When police arrived, they searched the woods for the man. An officer found him as he appeared to be urinating. When the man saw the officer, he took off on a golf cart that had a large butterfly net in the back. Police did not find the man after he left. Uh... Really? This one is so "out there" that I'm actually at a loss for a clever caption here. But I have a feeling you're not.

Please, help me out with this one. I beg you!

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Central Minnesota Crime Logs

It's not like I live in Hooterville or anything. I mean St. Cloud and the surrounding area has well over 100,000 people living here, so like any community of this size - crime is a serious problem.

But when our friendly neighborhood newspaper decides to print the crime log - I have to wonder... ARE THESE PROBLEMS FOR REAL?!!

Believe it or not these crime logs are real - but the comments I've added in bold italics are not. So, without further adieu - here is another installment of what I'm going to call...

Small Town Scandal!

A resident called police at 3:46 a.m. Sunday for a large fight at an apartment in the 1500 block of Second Avenue North. Officers found three women at the apartment and everything was OK. Officers also found 25 men watching through the windows and cheering them on.

Police found a large bra next to a vehicle at 8:25 a.m. Sunday in a parking lot in the 300 block of North Benton Drive after someone called police to report clothing by the vehicle. The vehicle was locked and unoccupied. A group of young men have volunteered to find the owner and return the missing garment.

Suspicious activity was reported at 5:54 p.m. Tuesday in the 10 block of 14th Avenue Northeast. A caller said a group of men could be heard talking about having guns. Police arrived and spoke to a juvenile who had an Airsoft shotgun, a toy that shoots plastic projectiles. Police advised the juvenile about the complaint and to keep the gun in the house. The juvenile was also advised to outfit his Big Wheel with a street-legal exhaust system.

A suspicious person was reported at 6:07 p.m. Tuesday crossing University Bridge. The person was carrying a gas can and boat motor. Police could not locate anyone. A mutant-sized man wearing a plaid fishing hat was reportedly spotted later that evening carrying a small fishing boat.

Protect yourself from those dangerous skateboarders!

Unruly juveniles were reported at 7:29 p.m. Monday in the parking lot of Pleasantview Elementary School, 1009 Sixth Ave. N. The juveniles were on skateboards. Police found six juveniles at the school and everything was OK. Police then arrested the person who called it in for using the phrase "unruly juveniles."

Police received a report at 11:54 a.m. Sunday of kids skating on a property at Second Avenue and 10th Street North. The kids were gone when police arrived but when they were checking the area the next-door neighbor came over. The neighbor said he is friends with the property owner and it is OK for the kids to skate there. Police then suggested that the city find someone responsible enough to lead a project to build a legal skate park.

Police received a report of suspicious activity at 5:40 p.m. March 19 on 15th Avenue North. Police spoke with a man and a woman at a house who were arguing. They were fighting over what to have for supper. The officer told them to keep it down and that the man should leave. The man apparently wanted chicken, the woman wanted beef. The SWAT team was called off.

A resident called police at 5 p.m. March 23 to report a man watching kids play on a playground at St. Joseph school. The resident gave police the license plate number on the vehicle. Officers located the driver, who is a priest at the school. The man said he was watching the children because they should have been picked up by their parents by then. The priest asked that Jay Leno not be contacted and given any more lame material.

Even the animals can't be trusted around here!

Police responded to a potential burglary at 8:46 p.m. Tuesday in the 600 block of North Benton Drive. A resident reported a broken porch screen and damage to the front doorknob. Officers checked the home and everything was OK. The damage was caused by the homeowner's dog, which had been left on the porch. The resident admitted that he did not notice the large dog laying in front of the door.

On Thursday, nine pigs strayed from a farm into another rural Aldrich resident's yard and caused extensive damage to the lawn. The pigs were turning the sod over. The hogs were returned to the farm where they belonged. The last little pig went "wee wee wee" all the way home.

A beaver was chasing people around a parking lot at 6:30 p.m. Monday in the 1200 block of 15th Street Northeast. Police were unable to locate the beaver. However, Wally was later picked up for questioning.

If you have any information about these incidents, call Crime Stoppers at 255-1301 or visit its Web site at tricountycrimestoppers.org.

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Sauk Rapids Crime Log

Sauk Rapids is a town adjacent to St. Cloud. While every community in the area suffers from some serious crime related to the typical problems of gangs, drugs or burglary - it was refreshing to see this actual crime report yesterday dealing with more, shall I say, "benign" issues.

Here's a peek at the crime log for Sauk Rapids - with my additional comments (of course) in bold italics.



Crime log
Compiled by Times staff report

Published: March 03. 2007 12:30AM - Last updated: March 03. 2007 12:42AM
Sauk Rapids police

A police officer had to help a State Patrol trooper at 2:15 p.m. Wednesday. The trooper's squad car stalled in the intersection at Minnesota Highway 15 and 18th Street North. The trooper and officer pushed the squad car out of the intersection and called a tow truck.
...Following that, they called a chiropractor.

An officer got a squad car stuck at 10:30 p.m. Wednesday at Municipal Park, River Avenue and 10th Street North. The officer was trying to help another vehicle that was stuck there. A tow truck was able to get both vehicles out.
...However, immediately after getting the vehicles out, both the driver and the officer got their shoes stuck in the snow and had to ask the tow truck driver to lift them out as well. One of the officer's shoes remained stuck in the snow and was never recovered.

Police received a report of a suspicious person at 4:45 a.m. Thursday at Frontier Court and Second Avenue North. A man was walking on Second Avenue carrying a plastic bag. An officer spoke to the man, who was acting nervous. The man said he was going to see a friend. The man had clothing and six unused 60-watt light bulbs in his bag. The man was released.
...However, an ongoing investigation is in progress. It is hoped this man will lead authorities to the kingpin of a much larger light bulb trafficking operation involving 100-watt bulbs.

A resident reported suspicious activity at 4:05 p.m. Thursday in the 1400 block of Third Avenue South. The caller said some kids put something in a wood box behind bleachers. Police located the box and found four boxes of unopened cigarettes. The cigarettes were destroyed.
...In addition, the wood box was destroyed. Police are now looking for the kids so they can be destroyed as well.

A resident reported that his snowmobiles were tampered with while they were in storage in the 1000 block of Second Avenue North. The call came in at 5:20 p.m. Thursday. The caller said someone tried to steal his snowmobiles that were on a trailer. The trailer also was damaged.
...However, police have decided not to pursue the complaint because it was determined that the complainant himself was actually in violation of a lesser-known law that makes it illegal to store and not use your snowmobiles during a one-week period following the only snowfall of the winter season.

If you have any information about these incidents, call Crime Stoppers at 255-1301 or visit its Web site at tricountycrimestoppers.org.

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