Annoyances Anonymous

Hello my annoyed friends. It's time once again for another quarterly Annoyances Anonymous session.

This is the place where you can come and feel comfort in the fact that you are not alone with your irritations. This is the place where everyone else will understand. This is the place for you.

Please, allow me to go first.

Hi everyone, my name is Jeff, and I am annoyed. Here are a few things that make me want to pluck out my own spleen:

That little “teaser” commercial break in Letterman
In the middle of the last set of commercial breaks before the final musical guest, they’ll briefly return to Letterman for about 5 seconds and give you a quick shot of the set before they launch into another 5 minutes of commercials. This drives me insane every time.

People who leave their yappy dogs outside
We have a neighbor who keeps one of those little lap dogs tied up on her front porch - and it NEVER stops yip-yapping the entire day. The irritating little b*tch drives me crazy. So does her dog.

Parents who give in when their kids whine
Allow me to illustrate:
“Mom, I want a candy bar!”
“No.”
“Mom, I want a candy bar!”
“No.”
“MOM, I WANT A CANDY BAR!!!”
“Ok, but just this time.”

Red lights that don’t change even though no one is within 100 miles of you
This one is self-explanatory. But I still don’t get it. My $29 porch light can sense a cat 100 feet away, but they can’t design a sensor that can detect the movement of friggen 2000 lb cars in traffic?

Hang nails
I always have at least one somewhere on my fingers at any given moment. It wouldn’t be so bad if I didn’t like to rip them out and leave the sides of my fingernails all sore and swollen. Now you can see why this makes me cranky.

That "bee-boop" sound my cell phone makes when the battery runs low
Of course this only starts happening at 3:00 in the morning when I’ve left my cell phone on the other side of the bedroom. Still, instead of getting up and turning it off , I prefer to be woken every 5 minutes for the next 3 hours.

Teenagers who think they’re all that by walking around and swearing in public
I was a teenager. I know how cool it was to chill with your friends and talk trash. But at least we had the respect to keep it among ourselves and limited to non-public spaces. Is it still considered wrong to smack someone else’s kid?

* * * * *

Now it's your turn. All you have to do to join our support group is leave a comment about something that annoys you. We're sympathetic and supportive, and most of all - we feel your pain. So go ahead and let it out...

If you're like me, it could save your spleen.

You won't be annoyed by humor-blogs.com

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Annoyances Anonymous Meeting Transcripts

As you may or may not recall, my friend Kathy and I are the co-leaders of a very successful support group for people who are annoyed by various things. Annoyances Anonymous started off as a way to vent specifically about irritating sounds, but has since branched off into a place where people can share all annoyances, and be comforted by the fact that they are not alone.

Over the past few months we've each held two meetings that were attended by several of you. Here are the links to those events.

PA Chapter - Follow-Up
MN Chapter - Chapter Minutes

Following is a transcript from our last group session of Annoyance Anonymous - the first ever joint MN/PA chapter meeting.

"Tap tap tap" (these transcripts are very literal) ...

Jeff: This meeting of the first joint East Coast and Midwest chapters of Annoyances Anonymous will now be called to order.

I would like to start out by thanking my good friend Kathy for agreeing to meet with me and my group. Welcome.

Kathy: I motion to put some cotton balls on the end of that gavel. Little quiet, eh?



Jeff: Right. Let's get started, shall we? The last time we met, our group identified several issues that they considered annoyances. During that meeting, the following new issues were brought forth as well.

Kathy: So you’re gonna get the cottonballs, right?



Jeff: Um, yeah Kathy... got it.
Anyway, here are what the MN attendees had to say:

Julie - The sound of leaf blowers and tantrumming children.

Jennine - The commercial for Head On that asks us to "apply directly to forehead."

Deborah - Loud bass speakers in cars that can be heard a block away, people blowing their noses in restaurants while you're eating and the sound of a dog licking himself.

Rob - Gas-powered RC cars.

Doozie - The sound of people who scrape their teeth on utensils while they are eating, people who breathe loudly while eating and people who "click" their false teeth. Also... people who tap their nails on the counter top and people who sigh. ALSO... children who say the same things over and over repetitively.
(as a sidenote, Doozie has begged us to allow her to become a member)

Gary - The sound of cell phones that ring on TV shows, especially when it has the same ringtone as mine.

Moi - That screeching sound the TV test pattern makes.

Rick - The sound of a dresser drawer closing on a wool sock.
(note: he claims it makes his teeth hurt... which would totally make sense if you knew Rick)

Fourier Analyst - Fran Drescher's voice.

Brandon - The "Secret Sound" contest on our local radio station.

Kathy: My meeting was lightly attended, but the ones who showed up (Regan, CC and Signs&Wonders) had a crowd’s worth of annoyances:

- My cat when she’s trying to be fed.
- 1-800 Service.
- Spinning and tapping pens on a desk.
- Snoring dogs.
- Wind chimes.
- Tooth sucking.
- Tree limbs scratching on windows.
- Neighbors waking the dead with their noises at night.
- Motorcycle noise.
- People who breathe loudly.
- Bad singers.
- The sound of ripping paper.
- People who make weird noises with their mouths.
- Toe nail clipping.

Jeff: And, because this group has been expanded to more than just annoying sounds, I would like to include a few of my own annoyances:

- Co-workers who play YouTube, hum, whistle or tap their fingers in the office. Worst offenders?... those who do it with headphones on. AIEEEE!
- Drivers who don't put their left blinkers on until they're already at the red light. If I knew you were going to do that, I would not have stayed in the left lane behind you.
- People who aren't ready at the checkout line. I mean come on - you know you're going to use your credit card before you pay... TAKE IT OUT OF YOUR WALLET IN ADVANCE!


Kathy: Here are mine:

- When cashiers hand me change in bills and coins, laying the coins on top of the bills and I have to fumble with the pile to get at the coins first, that is, if they haven’t slid to the floor already. Remember, people. Coins first, bills next.
- Drivers who blast past a long line of cars only to shoot over at the last second to make their exit. It is my life’s mission not to let you butt in front of everyone. Seriously. Try it some time. You’re not getting in.
- Supermarkets that stick cardboard merchandise displays in store aisles, some placed opposite each other so there’s only a single lane for traffic, leaving us poor shoppers to play the “I was here first!” game. We need road rage indoors now?
- Commercials that are louder than the TV show they’re airing on.
- People with bright blue headlights who insist they don’t blind other drivers. How would you know? You’re not the blinded one.
- Pieces of Styrofoam rubbing together.
- Leaving a store to find my average-sized car wedged between two giant SUVs. I can’t see around you until I’ve already backed out. Can I send you the bill when I get T-boned?
- People who take two spaces parking their cars are on everyone’s list. Add to it people who park crookedly in a single space. I won’t park next to you because by the time you go to leave your space, you will not remember your wheels are turned askew, you will back out your car at an angle, and hit mine.
- People who eat while they’re talking on the phone with me. I can hear you. It’s disgusting. Stop it.

Ahh, that was very cathartic for me, I hope it was for you too. And now it's your turn. Just like before, simply leave your "issues" in the comments, and we'll discuss among ourselves next time.

So thank you all for joining us again this month. I look forward to sharing with you soon.

Is there anything else you'd like to add Kathy?

Just one thing...
Cottonballs, Jeff. Cottonballs.

There's nothing annoying about humor-blogs.com!

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Noises Support Group Minutes - MN Chapter

DATE: Week of November 4, 2007

LOCATION: View From The Cloud - in the soundproof comments section of the Silence is Golden post.

CALL TO ORDER: Support group chairperson Jeff Lee

ROLL CALL: Jeff, Kathy, Heather, Peter, Leo, Mooselet, Avery, Jennine, Gale, Charli, Carla, Whit, Julie, Yello, Royce, VE, Linda, Rick, Andi, Signs&Wonders, Lois, Neva, Bill, Sandy, Caron, Elizabeth, Betty

COMMENTS: As chairperson of the MN chapter of our new support group for noises that irritate us, I would like to thank you all for joining us this week. I feel we had a very productive first meeting and am looking forward to "hearing" from all of you again in the future.

NEW BUSINESS:
1) New group name - Several ideas were suggested regarding the name of our new support group. Some of these were:
- P.A.I.N. (People Annoyed with Incessant Noise)
- Sounds without Bounds
- S.L.A.P. (Sounds Leading to Aggravated People)
- Noise without Joys
- H.U.S.H. (Having Unusually Sensitive Hearing)

Thank you for these submissions. These and others will be taken up for advisement and a vote will be held at our next meeting. In the meantime, please feel free to submit additional ideas to the suggestion box at this time.

2) Noise issues identified - One of the main missions of our support group is to embrace a concept known as "healing through revealing." The idea behind this is that you reveal your noise irritations to the group and by doing so - you take the first step toward an annoyance-free lifestyle. Here are the noises we identified as irritants as a group:
.computer fan
.florescent light buzz
.whining kids
.upstairs shower
.analog clock "tick tock"
.ceiling fan
.loud neighbor at night
.sitcom laugh track
.audio feedback
.glove-box squeak
.halogen lamp buzz
.dripping water tap
.cell phone interference with computer
.barking dogs at night or any small dog in general
.Kookaburras
.drink slurping
.banging bedroom door
.blaring TV
.squeaking brakes
.dishwasher
.husband's alarm clock
.chewing or crunching
.refrigerator door seal when opened
.the parrot from hell
."Mommmm!"
.Karen's voice (from Will and Grace)
.someone eating a banana
.TV hum
.peacock screams
.guy on the radio yelling prices on car/truck ads
.car "bong" sound when door is open
.bathroom fan
.ticking watch
.paper shredder
.quiz show soundtracks
.chair legs screeching across a wooden floor
.hotdish ingredients being stirred
.husband's snoring
.breathing dog's wheezing

As you can see, many "unique" audio issues were revealed. Please do not be discouraged that collectively, we are but one errant sound away from wearing coats with extra long sleeves. This has been a very substantial first step for our group and for you. However, we obviously have a lot of healing to do, so let's all make sure to come right back again so we can get started.

NEXT MEETING: Our next meeting date has not been determined at this time, but a memo will be sent in the near future. In the meantime, I would like to offer a few suggestions for you to consider in preparation of our next gathering.
1. Please remember to turn your off your cell phone. I think everyone agrees that VE's repeated ringtone interruption of "Like a Virgin" violated our most basic edict.

2. Also, please remember to clear your throat if your voice starts to make that "gurgally" sound when you're speaking. But most importantly - DO NOT KEEP TALKING(!) unless you suddenly want 25 people involuntarily clearing their own throats in a futile attempt to get you to fix yours. I know it wasn't brought up as an irritant at our meeting but I feel I need to add it now.

3. Finally, for Jennine and Charli's sake, I would like to ask that you don't bring gum or snacks. Bill, unfortunately, seemed unable to speak without first tossing a handful of peanuts into his mouth - and none of us really needed to witness that.

MOTION TO ADJOURN: 9:00 p.m. (gavel was NOT slammed by request)

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Silence is Golden

When Kathy made mention in a recent post of her supersonic ability to hear irritating sounds that are normally only detectable by dogs or Jaime Sommers, I knew immediately that I wanted to team up with her and co-write a post that shared our neurosis.

Like Kathy, I too am easily bothered by an odd variety of sounds that would typically go unnoticed by normal people. "Normal" of course being those of you who don't think the sound of the blinker in your car is stressful.

I figured misery loves company so why not share the pain - which is exactly what we did. So as a bonus, click here to see Kathy's hysterical companion story at her place. It goes quite nicely with my post here below.

So that being said, here is my short list of sounds I could personally do without:

Computer fans - Most people don't even realize they're humming, but to me they sound like F14s taking off from an aircraft carrier.

Florescent lights - Anyone who remembers the Tom Hanks movie Joe VS the Volcano will know what I'm talking about here. Early on in the movie he was working in an office where his overhead lights were buzzing and flickering and generally making him sick. Now, whenever one of the bulbs in my office starts to buzz I immediately have to run out to the storeroom and get a new one.

Whining kids - I don't know, does this one really need to be explained? Let's just say I have about a .2-second tolerance level.

The shower upstairs - I know the sound of our upstairs shower shouldn't bother me, but ever since my teenagers have begun taking 40 minute showers (at a rate I've estimated to be approximately $100/hr) I am now tuned in the very minute I hear the squeak of the faucet. And for every minute I hear water running beyond 10 minutes, my stress level increases proportionately.

Analog clocks - I've had to remove all clocks from my house that make an actual "tick tock" sound, because to a musician this is the exact same thing as having a 60 bpm metronome running all day long - which is just too much.

Ceiling fans - Even though it may be 100 degrees in our bedroom in the summer, I only turn on the overhead ceiling fan when it's absolutely necessary, because like the clock, our fan makes a "tick" sound with every rotation that I can't seem to fix. And trust me - I've tried.

Our neighbor - The guy who lives across the street from me works alternate hours than the rest of humanity, so several times a week I'll wake up at 2:00 in the morning to the sound of skill saws or hammering. Yeah I know - WTF?!!!

Sitcom laugh tracks - Like most people I love the sound of laughter. It's happy and energizing and by nature should lift your spirits. But natural laugher is a very different thing than the kind of canned laughter you'll find in TV sitcoms. For whatever reason this gets on my nerves. And not only am I acutely aware of it, but I can also identify the 4 basic loops they use:
- the low mumble/snicker (not quite funny enough for a full-blown laugh)
- the short burst (unexpected punchline)
- the long sustained rumble (supports an extended gag of up to several seconds)
- the loud hysterical outburst (featuring one woman with a high, nasally cackle)

High frequency audio feedback - I'm sure this is very common among musicians and sound engineers, but I can detect the presence of an 8k or higher feedback when most people aren't even aware it exists. And like many of Kathy's audio superpowers, this one has become a curse.

The good news is, Kathy and I have started a support group for people like us who are unnaturally bothered by sounds, and you are welcome to join as well. In fact, all you have to do to enroll is leave a comment with one or more noises that drive you nuts and you're automatically a member.

Meetings will be held on Wednesday evenings in a soundproof booth.

(Don't forget to stop over to Kathy's place and read her story!)

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