Hmmm, I think I'd rather be awake

Last night Charli and I were watching TV and a commercial for this popular sleep aid product came on. The ad itself wasn't all that interesting, but we cracked up at this list of frightening side effects.

sleepwalking

eating or driving while not fully awake, with memory loss for the event

abnormal behaviors

confusion, agitation, and hallucinations

worsening of depression

risk of suicide

shortness of breath

swelling of your tongue or throat

drowsiness, dizziness and headache

diarrhea

risk of dependency
may be fatal

Holy crap! You'd have to be a pretty serious insomniac to sign up for that. The funny thing is, I've heard a few tokes off the old doobage works pretty well for insomnia also. But of course that's not an option since it's illegal, because... uh because... oh yeah, it's dangerous.

So anyway, then I went to their web site to read more about it and I saw this picture and became even more frightened.

OH MY GOD... THE PILL THOSE PATIENTS ARE STANDING ON IS HUGE! How in the world could someone be expected to swallow something that big?

But then I saw this disclaimer and my fears were calmed.

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The ONLY shower curtain you'll ever need!

Hey everybody... we got a new shower curtain liner yesterday!

Ok, normally this wouldn't be anything worth writing about, but the packaging for this product was so over the top that I couldn't help but poke some funnage at it. Check this out...

IT'S A PLASTIC SHOWER CURTAIN PEOPLE... NOT FIREWORKS!

Apparently the marketing guy's job was at risk and he needed a breakthrough design to save his career. I sure hope this did it for him.

At first glance you might think there's nothing all that unusual about this package, but I've taken the liberty of over-analyzing it for your pleasure. Let's take a look at some of the details, shall we?

Ding ding ding... AND IN THIS CORNER... WE HAVE THE HEAVY WEIGHT VINYL SHOWER CURTAIN/LINER CHAMPION OF THE WORLD!



Good idea! Much better than those stupid tissue paper shower curtain liners the other people sell.



Not just 1 or 2... No, this product has 8 suction cups to keep it tight against your shower wall! Simply wet the portion of the wall you want the liner to suction to*, find the 1/4" suction cups somewhere along the side of the material, and be amazed as your curtain miraculously adheres to your shower wall for a full 3 or 4 seconds!

* will not suction to tile, bumpy surfaces or any other wall coverings other than brand new perfectly smooth shower enclosures not more than 1 hour old

Wha-huh? Is this really a problem... shower curtains bursting into flames in your bathroom? Perhaps this is important for the people who smoke while they're showering.



Hmm, according to this picture on the right, I should be able to take my curtain back to its place of purchase for a full refund if I'm not completely satisfied. So how exactly is this supposed to play out again? Let me try this scenario...

In 10 years I walk up to the Target customer service agent with a rotten, moldy shower curtain and plop it on the counter. My friendly cashier takes one look at it, smiles at me and says, "Oh, you say this has a lifetime guarantee? Well then, here's your money back sir."

Could happen.

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Definitely better than a Robocut

One of the joys of writing a humor blog is that sometimes you don't have to try to find something funny. Sometimes it finds you instead.

Such is the case for this wonder product.

A couple of my friends mentioned the Flowbee in the comments of my last post. I had completely forgotten about this marvel of modern cosmetology. But now thanks to them - I have something to make fun of!

The idea of a vacuum cleaner attachment that sucks the hair away from your head and then slices it off like a hedge trimmer is funny enough by itself.


But add to that their comical web site and you could spend minutes LOL-ing like a teenage girl.

For example... let's just take the home page where they proudly claim that their product

"Holds 10 plus haircutts"

First of all... ewww. What are you expecting us to do, make yarn? And secondly... you might want to flip on the ol' spell checker thingy. I'm pretty sure there's only one "t" in cuts.

a hair styling tool or a garden tilling implement?

Then for hours of entertainment, scroll through the testimonials. Here's where you'll find dozens of grammatically-challenged folk expounding on the virtues of the magical bee. For example, let's see what Dave has to say about it, shall we?

(note... these passages are copied and pasted directly from the Flowbee web site and have not been edited by me)

My name is Dave. I have had my Flowbee since they first came out 9-10 years. People always ask me who cut my hair & when I tell them I use a Flowbee some don't even know what i am talking about. So I have educted a few of them a handed out a couple harriet carter catalogs for them to buy there own. I jus bought my second one just in case my first one breaks down. Though it has never happened yet.

I think maybe Dave should have educted himself a little longer before writing this letter.

Next we have Sue who claims:

My fear for years now has been that you'd quit making this product and I'd have to take the kids and my husband to a salon for haircuts!

Sue... get a grip! They don't actually do the whole blood-letting thing anymore.

Or how about Carol who says:

Worn out one, started using the one I got for my dogs and now, it's about ready for the bone yard. People got a kick (they still do) when I told them how I got my great haircut. I just smile and say "whatever, it works".

"Whatever" is right. Whatever she just said that is. I just hope our good friend Carol doesn't share her tooth brush with her dogs too.

And finally Elaine, who laments:

I have curly hair and even hair stylists don't uncerstand it.

I think it's more likely they just don't uncerstand you.

But the very best part of this web site is the not-so-subtle feud that Flowbee inventor Rick Hunts (no, do NOT say his nickname and his last name together really fast) appears to have with a competitive product known as the Robocut. I kid you not you can click on this link and here is what you'll find.

_________________________________________________________

Flowbee vs. Robocut

Flowbee is the best and robo is a piece of junk!

This conclusion comes from reading written testimonials from flowbee owners after many years of satisfied flowbee use. They were sucked in by Robo's false claim of better than Flowbee.

This is where Alfred lies to you (robocut inventor) looking you straight in the face

Hi, I'm Alfred, inventor of the vacuum haircutter.

The vacuum haircutter was invented over one hundred years ago. Alfred must know this because he applied for a US patent and never received it . If some body knowingly lies to you once they can never be trusted.

_________________________________________________________

Woah Mr. Hunts! "Flowbee is the best and robo is a piece of junk!" and "If some body knowingly lies to you once they can never be trusted." Really?

Easy now big fella... we don't want to say something we're gonna regret later.

But I am curious how Alfred responded to that... "Oh yeah? Well the one who says it IS it!"

And this isn't even the half of it. Go here to see the rest for yourself.

Apparently 6th-grade Dick had some dirty laundry to air and his web site was where he chose to call Albert on the floor. Good times. Waaaay more fun than I ever dreamed the Flowbee was going to be, that's for sure.

So thank you Flowbee, I enjoyed that. Like I said earlier...

...sometimes it finds you instead.

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It's a bit drafty in here - Volume II

Here's a totally eclectic mix of things I've accumulated in my "drafts" folder that don't quite deserve a post of their own - but still need to be said:

First up... more about the socks thing. My blog buddy Unfinished Rambler left a link to this picture of himself in the comments of my socks post.



Here he is on the left when he was in high school, and here I am on the right circa 1985.

I'll see his 3-striped calf-high socks and "raise" him one pair of waaaay too short shorts. Literally.

Sorry Mr. Rambler... but your record as the dorkiest-dressed shorts-n-socks guy IS finished!

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Next up... cats.

I'm not a cat guy but based on the fact that 99% of the people who read this blog ARE - I am apparently in the minority. That being said, I thought this video was pretty danged funny. I have no idea how old it is or how long it's been around, but I couldn't resist sharing it.

So cat lovers... still think cats are so great?

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Finally... I saw this ad for Oxy products in Women's Day magazine. What, I'm not allowed to stay informed about important women's issues?

Anyway, I just thought the mom here was kind of creepy. Especially in the middle panel where she's lurking around behind his back with that lusty smile on her face while he's trying to shave in his bathrobe (click to enlarge). WTH?

"Hey ma... do you mind already?!"

I wouldn't have been at all surprised if the last panel had looked like this instead...

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Just covering my butt

Last night Chelsea Handler was laughing about this new product by Garment Guard:


These are carbon inserts you stick inside your underwear which supposedly will eliminate fart odor. Hmm, I'd like to take that challenge.

And not only does Chelsea think it's funny, but Garment Guard themselves even poke fun at their product with this ad (although I'm not quite sure what that guy's reaction to that woman's thong is supposed to mean).

Of course this kind of product is right up my alley. So much so, in fact, that I actually "invented" a similar thing myself over a year ago.

Remember this popular post?

So I tell you what Mr. Garment Guard...

...you cut me a slice of your profits and I promise not to raise a stink over this.

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Only a fool would want to actually exercise!

Now that I'm officially "middle aged," I'm forever looking for new ways to help keep myself in shape - but, without all that aggressive body-damaging exercise.

That's why I was so excited to find this ad in the back of our Reader's Digest today!


You can click on the picture to read it for yourself, but in case you don't feel like it, let me explain some of the wonderful features this revolutionary product offers. Here's the summary caption they provide:

How Does the Exerciser 2000 Elite™ Work?
Enjoy the benefits of passive exercise - just lie down, place your
ankles on the ankle rest and let the machine do the work.

OMG - how friggen awesome is that! For only $359.95 I can literally lay on the floor watching TV with my feet on some ankle rests and let the Exerciser 2000 do my exercising for me! Hell, I would pay 3 TIMES that much for this gift from Heaven. (but shhh, don't tell Clark Enterprises!)

But don't take my word for it. Read some of the heartfelt testimonial sticky notes for yourself:

"After using the Exerciser 2000 Elite™ twice a day for one week the swelling in my ankles went away. It has also helped my breathing..."

Who couldn't use unswollen ankles AND air? I mean come on!

And what about this woman's claim that...

"Since I have been using the Exerciser 2000 Elite™ I have been regular every day..."

Do I really need to say any more about that?

But this is what really sold me...

"The first thing I noticed when I started using my machine was that my feet were warm when I went to bed. They were always ice cold before."

Hello! Can you say "I'll take one for my wife too please!"

This thing truly is the answer to all my prayers. But one word of caution though...

Because this product is so innovative, so cutting edge and so new to the marketplace - other less scrupulous companies may try to take advantage of your desire to own one of these miracle machines by offering you substandard knock-offs at significantly reduced prices.

DON'T FALL FOR IT!... DO NOT PAY ONE PENNY LESS THAN $359.95!

It's important that you get only the highest quality in ankle-shaking machines. Otherwise they wouldn't have printed it right here in their ad.

There, duly warned. Now the next time you see some guy selling these things out of his overcoat on the street corner you'll know that if it isn't an Exerciser 2000 Elite™, you only need to say "No thank you sir, I'm no fool!" and simply walk away.

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Don't be fooled by cheap laughs either at humor-blogs.com

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Well, I used to like that song

My friend JD from I Do Things (so you don't have to) wrote a great story the other day about songs that have become hits because they were first featured in commercials.

She posted a list of the "Top 10 Cool Songs You Might Never Have Heard of if Not for the Commercials." Check it out here.

While being featured in an ad can indeed be a major boost to your musical career, it can sometimes also be a curse.

For example... after I had heard the Sunkist commercial for the 10,000th time, I couldn't bear to listen to even 5 seconds of Good Vibrations when it came on the radio after that. And Chevy totally destroyed Like A Rock for me the same way.

Of course this now has me wondering about just how widespread this problem really is. Is it just me or do commercials suck the life out of a song for you too?

I can think of 2 more songs off the top of my head other than the ones I've listed above, but after that I draw a blank - although I'm positive there are tons more.

So maybe you can help...

What songs have been ruined for you as a result of being featured in an ad?

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There are no commercials at humor-blogs.com

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From the "I can't believe this is really an ad" files:

Sorry about the wrinkly scan below, but my wife crumpled up the page and threw it away after I had torn it out of the magazine and left it on the counter. I have no idea why she didn't want this lying around the house.

Now, on to the picture. All I can say about this ad is... really? Are you telling me we're supposed to be looking up this woman's skirt and thinking "Mmm, BERRY SMELLING bowels!"

And that pose. Is it just me or does it look like she's got her ankles braced for maximum push velocity?

And ok, that final catch phrase... "Beautify your inside." I suppose that's for the guy who claims he's not interested in a woman for how beautiful she looks on the outside, but for how beautiful she smells on the inside?

New! Click-n-Sniff (tm)

I so have to get a job in marketing.

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:ADVERTISEMENT:

Attention Fellow Flatulators!!!

Have you ever wished you could let'r rip anywhere you wanted but were too embarrassed by the smell to even consider it?

We know - containing such a natural bodily function is not always easy. OR comfortable! But let's face it, who needs the shame of the smell?

Did you know it's a scientific fact that the only reason you can actually smell something is because microscopic particles of that "thing" are in the air?

So how do you stop the smell?

BY STOPPING THE PARTICLES!

That's right. And now, direct from the makers of Shop Vac, we are proud to offer Hepa-Pants ® - the first odor stopping undergarment in the world!
Now thanks to the same technology used in high-tech laboratories and health care facilities worldwide, we have created an undergarment designed to catch flying feces BEFORE it exits your pants and makes its way to other people's tongues and noses! With the ability to remove 99.97% of airborne particles, you can rest assured that no smell will escape from your Hepa-Pants ®

Imagine the freedom you'll feel to be able to "release" your troubles without the embarrassment of having to worry about how it smells. Whether you're on a plane, in a church or at a crowded concert, you'll no longer need to be a disruption to everyone else. Simply "let it go" and enjoy the show.

And - if you accidentally "toot" in the process, you'll have nothing to be ashamed of. Just look your neighbor in the eye and explain with confidence, "No need to worry. I'm wearing Hepa-Pants!"

Hepa-Pants ® - When it comes to embarrassing flatulence -
Let us cover your ass!

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* For greater protection against extremely foul odors, use our optional extreme-duty charcoal inserts

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